


this is me trying

by cherylbombshells



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: (but not making out don't get your hopes up), Canon Compliant, F/F, Light Angst, Making Up, follow up to Fire In the Sky, have my thoughts, i have no idea what to tag this but here, mostly just dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29984922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherylbombshells/pseuds/cherylbombshells
Summary: Cheryl and Toni have a follow up conversation a few days after their showdown in the gym.
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 15
Kudos: 66





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm apprehensive about posting this right now because, as predicted, people are fighting and everything is a mess, and more often than not, my thoughts get completely twisted and misunderstood, but I wrote this last night instead of engaging in too much discourse and I'm posting it because why not. 
> 
> I'm not gonna go on some big spiel about what my thoughts are because that's what this fic was for, but at the end of the day, I just prefer my angsty convos to be more of an exchange and all encompassing (and also, with resolution!), at least when I don’t expect the topic to be discussed again, and I felt like Ted totally dropped the ball on that because there was so much more set up that wasn’t touched on, so here we are.
> 
> Trigger warning for brief mentions of abuse and sexual assault in the beginning.

Toni’s a bit surprised when Thornhill’s gates open for her, but she doesn’t overthink it before walking through them. 

Nobody’s there to greet her at the door, but it opens when she tries it, and she only has to venture a little further into the mansion to find the woman she’s come to see seated on the couch they used to cuddle on together.

“Cheryl,” Toni greets her plainly, announcing her presence when the redhead doesn’t even acknowledge her entering the room.

“Ms. Topaz,” is the cold, petulant reply she gets in return. It’s been a couple of days since their showdown in the gym, but obviously Cheryl is still nursing her wounds.

Toni sits down on the smaller couch across from her, not giving her the reaction she’s clearly looking for. “What are you doing?”

“Oh, you know, just making plans to emotionally abuse and neglect some Vixens, take hush money from their would be rapists, blame them for their own sexual assaults, make them think they’ve gone mad for a couple of months and maybe send them to conversion therapy for good measure,” she replies snidely, but the hurt lacing her tone is obvious. “Since I’ve become my mother and all.”

Toni cringes as Penelope’s laundry list of horrific acts are recited back to her, followed by her own flippant words, and even though she knows she was right about most of things she’s said the past few days, she instantly feels a large pang of regret for that one.

“Cheryl, that’s not…” she tries to explain, but the clarification sputters out and stays trapped in her throat. She had just meant Cheryl _said_ something she could imagine Penelope saying, but it was harsh and she knew it wouldn’t be something Cheryl could shake off easily. Which had been the point in the moment, an attempt to get through to her and see how harsh she was being herself, but she should have known it would cause more damage than it was worth. “You’re right, that was a shitty thing for me to say, especially because I know better than anyone what that woman did to you. I shouldn’t have said that, _that_ was cruel and I’m _really_ sorry.” Toni means it wholeheartedly, and judging by the look on Cheryl’s face that she’s trying to hide, she believes her, but she also wants to be clear: “But only for that. I stand by the rest of what I said.”

The expression on Cheryl’s face immediately hardens again. “ _Really_ , Toni?”

“Yes,” she replies firmly. “You were absolutely out of control with the Vixens, Cheryl. They’re just _kids_. You can’t just throw insults at them and work them until they break. You can’t treat people like that, especially not your _students_.”

“Funny, you never used to have a problem with how I ran the Vixens,” Cheryl scoffs, Toni’s words once again going in one ear and out the other. “I thought you of all people understood why I-”

“I do,” Toni cuts her off. “I get you, Cheryl, even after seven years; I know you.” After years of psych courses and dealing with troubled kids, she probably even knows Cheryl better now than she did when they were dating, and that’s why she couldn’t let that empathy allow her to stand by while Cheryl took her issues out on everyone else like she’d done too many times before. “I _understand_ why you were acting that way, but that doesn’t make it _okay_. You aren’t a teenager anymore, and neither am I.”

Toni really doesn’t want to fight with Cheryl; she came here for the exact opposite reason, to try to have this conversation more civilly than they did before now that they’ve had days to cool off, but the other woman just makes it so hard sometimes. 

(Usually, that’s one of the things she loves most about her, but other times…)

“I just think it’s pretty ironic, because if you truly know me as well as you claim, you surely would have predicted I’d react exactly as I have,” Cheryl muses, finally putting her pen down and leveling Toni with her full, spiteful attention. “But then again, you did, didn’t you? You were even counting on it.” Toni tries to hide her surprise and keep her expression neutral, but she knows she’s failed when Cheryl scoffs indignantly again. “What kind of fool do you take me for, Antoinette? Did you really think I wouldn’t see through your ploy to lure me out of Thornhill?”

She kind of did, yeah, because Cheryl's always been one to act on just her emotions, but she knows better than to admit that. “Well, if you knew what I was doing, why did you play into it?”

“If you knew how I’d react, why are you so chafed you got the reaction you were seeking?”

“Because this isn’t what I wanted!” Toni exclaims, just barely stopping herself from blowing up completely again. “I wanted you to stop moping and being a martyr; I wanted you to get your fire back. I told you, I wanted you down there with us - with _me_ \- fighting, _together_ , not _against_ each other. I knew you’d come in swinging at first, but I thought it’d just be at me, and just until you got what you wanted.”

She just wanted Cheryl to _fight_ for something, instead of just letting it go or slip away. 

“Why?” Cheryl demands, eyes narrowing and voice breaking. “Why did you want me on the front lines so badly that you had to go to all this trouble to try to play me into coming out? You say there are people fighting every day for Riverdale, so then what is it that you need from me? Was draining my bank account not enough participation for you? What more can I possibly offer you in this fight, Toni? Because there is no more money for me to give and I have nothing else of value to contribute, your new favorite redhead made that perfectly clear.”

Toni’s thrown off her game by that one, admittedly, not sure what Cheryl means. “What are you talking about?”

“That money you asked for, that _selfish_ donation that was apparently meaningless to you, yet not enough for Archie?” the redhead clarifies bitterly, practically spitting the words out. “The money I assume _you_ used to finance the Vixens instead of the Bulldogs? That was all I had left.” 

Her righteous indignation has already faded by the end of her reveal and settled into something more like dejection, but Toni can still feel the sting of both emotions sharply. 

“Cheryl,” she sighs, both in regret and a loss for what else to say. She can’t speak on whatever issues Cheryl has with Archie, because she doesn’t know what went down between them, but as for her part… “If that was all you had, why did you give it to us?”

“I gave it to _you_ ,” the other woman corrects her, because they both know that distinction is important. “Because you asked for it, and I would do anything for you.” It’s the most honest and real thing that Cheryl has said to her in years, and Toni almost can’t believe it, but her surprise is misread. “Oh, don’t act all shocked, I told you I couldn’t afford it when you asked. I also warned you that if I helped you, that it would just end up corrupted, and look where it’s gotten us.”

It takes Toni a few moments to process everything that’s just been said, and another moment to figure out where to start, but she goes with what feels most important.

“Okay, first, I’m _sorry,_ ” she begins, making sure the words come out as genuinely as she feels them, despite the other thoughts clouding her mind. “If I’d known you were serious about not being able to afford it, I never would have pushed the way I did, we would have found another way. I just wanted you to see past this silly curse stuff and realize you were holding yourself back from doing what it was you said you wanted to do. You're worth so much more than just your money, that’s why I want you fighting with us, and if I said or did anything to make you think you aren't, that wasn't my intention at all.” She gets why that might be hard for her to believe right now if Archie had come over here acting like an idiot, but she can’t dwell on that at the moment, because; “Second, nothing is _corrupted_ , Cheryl. Just like you aren’t cursed. You act like you don’t have control over anything that happens, and sometimes, yeah, you don’t and things get fucked up and it sucks, but more often than not? They only get fucked up if _you_ fuck them up. Donating that money didn’t make you terrorize the Vixens, you did that on your own, and you’re not doomed to be alone, you’ve pushed everyone away so that you are.”

Cheryl scoffs once more, but this time a little more sadly. “Whom else was there to push away but you?” she questions, rhetorically and morosely. “You were all I had and I let you go so I could prove myself better than my family - prove myself deserving of you - and look at me now; even you think I’m just as evil as my mother.”

“ _I don’t_ ,” Toni is quick to insist, just itching to move off the couch she’s occupying to sit beside her ex. “God, I don’t, at all, Cheryl. That’s not what I meant.” She’ll say it more, later, if she has to, as many times as needed until Cheryl believes it, but she won’t let that overshadow the rest of what she has to say. “But you can’t get hung up on that one maybe-out-of-line thing I said to avoid copping to all the other completely valid things I called you out for. You are _not_ your mother, but you have to admit that you haven’t been the best version of yourself, either.”

“How do you know?” Cheryl wonders, but for the first time, it doesn’t sound like a challenge, but more of a plea. “It’s been seven years, Toni, a lot has happened to me that you don’t know about. You don’t know what my best is any more than you know my worst. For all you know, I _am_ like my mother.”

And just like that, it’s even more obvious why Toni’s small dig made such a big dent, because Cheryl had already started picking at that wound long before this week, or maybe Toni’s nana had made the first cut, all those years ago.

“You could never be your mother, for a million different reasons; your mother never would have cared about anyone enough to give them that funding, even _if_ she could afford it,” Toni easily counters, not letting Cheryl use her words to beat herself up with, or as a shield. “You’re not like the rest of your family, and you’re not doomed to become them, not if you don’t let yourself be. You did a _good_ thing, Cheryl, a _really_ good thing, and maybe you feel like that hasn’t been appreciated enough and I’m sorry for that, but that doesn’t mean you get to do whatever the hell you want now; the work doesn’t stop after one good deed.”

For once, Cheryl doesn’t have a retort or counter argument at the ready, and the silence between them stretches on long enough for her to finally hear what Toni’s trying to say.

“It’s fighting, every day,” she says softly, as if just understanding what Toni had been trying to tell her in the gym.

“Fighting together, not against each other,” Toni reminds her, wanting to make sure the hard headed woman doesn’t forget that important part. “So if you really want in, we could _really_ use you. Not your money, _you_. But only if you can be a team player, because this - none of it - is a one man job.”

“You seem to be handling the burden just fine,” Cheryl replies with the hint of a teasing smirk, breaking the heavy moment a bit.

Toni can’t help but mirror it with a small smile of her own, and a shrug. “Well, I’m not a man.”

“Indeed, you certainly aren’t,” Cheryl laughs softly, before she sighs and slumps her shoulders in defeat. “I’m _so_ sorry, Toni, for how I treated you, and the squad; it was I who was cruel and I will apologize to them tomorrow, too. And I promise to be far kinder going forward, you have my word, whatever that is worth at this point. I would like to help you, with the Vixens and all the rest of it.” She pauses to take a deep breath that she holds for just a moment too long before she lets it go. “I just may need time to adjust to it all, after being locked away for so long; everything is so different, and I never was the most personable to begin with.” Toni tries not to snort at that because, _yeah_. “I realize it’s a lot to ask after you’ve already extended so much of it, but if you could just be patient with me…”

“I can do that,” she promises her instantly, because there are few things in the world Toni is better at than that. “And I’m sorry, too. For the Penelope thing, for not hearing you when you said you didn’t have the money, and for using the Vixens to lure you into coming out of hiding instead of just asking you to help coach.”

“No, I was actually impressed with that last one, it’s why I allowed it to work,” Cheryl admits, a smile finding its way back to her lips. “We both know I would have declined had you merely asked.”

It’s true, and Toni’s glad she knows that and can admit it, but she also kind of had a point before. “Still, I wanted a reaction and I guess I can’t be too mad just because I didn’t get the exact one I wanted.”

“Maybe so, but how I chose to react - to _act_ \- is nobody’s doing but my own,” the redhead asserts, and she sounds so sure, how can Toni argue with her own logic?

“See, you’re already getting it,” she teases instead, finally feeling like she can relax now that it seems like they sorted one of their issues out and at least got on the same page about _something._ “So, what are you _really_ doing?” she wonders curiously, eyeing the book on Cheryl’s lap.

“Going over some choreo for a new routine,” the other woman explains, sounding a little hopeful, as if she’s asking if that’s still her place. Toni nods at her answer, telling her it is. “You’re more than welcome to join me, you know the girls’ strengths better than I do.”

Toni finds herself wishing she could, more than anything, since this was exactly what she’d been hoping for when she foresaw this co-captain outcome, but being a responsible adult sucks sometimes.

“I would, but I have a meeting with a student soon,” she explains gently, knowing the good place they just reached is delicate. “I’m just here on my lunch break.”

But while Cheryl seems disappointed, she also looks like she understands this time. “Right, you’re one of those people on the ground.” 

“You could be too, you know,” Toni can’t stop herself from suggesting, wanting to push for even more now that she’s made a little headway. “The school could use a new art teacher, if you’re interested.”

She expects to be completely shut down, considering the lengths she had to go to in order to get Cheryl to be a cheer coach, but she surprises her once again.

“I’ll consider it,” the redhead answers, humming as she looks around the room full of her own paintings. “I suppose I don’t have much else to do around here.”

“Well, if you do, you should also consider dropping by the Wyrm tomorrow night for karaoke,” Toni offers without thinking, but once the words are out, she realizes it’s the exact right thing to say. “It’s kinda become a staff bonding thing with all of us.”

Cheryl perks up noticeably, her eyes brightening for more reason than one.

“As if I’d ever turn down the spotlight,” she jokes, proving that some things never change. “Perhaps you _do_ still know me after all, TT.”

Toni’s chest warms as her heart does an embarrassing flutter at the all too familiar nickname and what it means, and she stands to leave before something equally as fond can slip out of her.

“Send me what you come up with later,” she says, trying to sound casual as she moves towards the door. “We can go over it together at school tomorrow.”

She leaves before she can hear Cheryl’s reply, but as Toni replays their talk over in a loop in her head on her bike ride back to Riverdale High, she thinks it’s probably the first conversation she’s had with Cheryl in over seven years that she’s left without any regrets.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways, those are my thoughts on where both girls were coming from. Agree or disagree, feel free to tell me, just please do it tactfully and constructively or I'm just gonna delete instead of engaging :)


End file.
